Today, I write my latest entry with a very specific reason in mind, I am writing about something that I am feeling, something inside of me that needs to be said, and something that I need to get off my chest. In order to understand them, you need to understand that there are various types of love, various things worth understanding about love. Amore, Agape and Eros… The reality that love does not necessarily mean all of the above, but can be a selection of them, more specifically, that sometimes, when we are really lucky, they can be all of them…
Love, and being in love, and the fact that I am very lucky in having both of these things, very deeply for someone who is completely worth all of my affection and attention. She is the most perfect girl whom I ever met, and while perfection is relative, it is, in this case, relative to me, and for that reason, the only relevant perspective being my own, she is perfection incarnate. When I am around her, I am filled with a feeling of bliss and contentedness, the time we spend together, I consider my most prized, the most valuable thing I do. I would do anything that she asks of me, and would do everything in my power to ensure that she gets what she needs, that her every want is seen to. I care for this girl so much that I cannot begin to even explain or put into words the intensity of these feelings.
At the present juncture we have decided to start over, take things slowly, let them develop as they should. Without expectation, without fear or uncertainty. Simply stated, be friends. Don’t misunderstand me, I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms, spend all my time with her, show her the world and experience all of it with her at my side, I want to tell her that I love her, that she is the most important person in the world to me and that she means more to me than anyone else that ever existed. I want to have the certainty that she is mine, and to ensure that she knows that I am hers. I want to spend hours looking at her various smiles, especially the one I remember most perfectly… The smile where her entire face lights up, the one where the individual freckles on her face stand out just a little bit more, almost with pride, the smile where her eyes are so open, so clear that you can see the reflection of the world in their green depths and get lost within that world… The smile that, even by just remembering it, leads to me having this awestruck fool’s grin… Spend every waking hour with the girl who is capable of seeing to the core of me, know how I think and appreciate the thoughts I have, the girl whose own thoughts are ones that fascinate me, the girl whose stories I could listen to for hours, whose poems speak of a deeper truth, a reality that is more real than any other, and an inescapable honesty that just forces introspection in me. A woman who can describe a concept to me with a precision and insight that reveals not only her intelligence, but her intellect and wisdom at the same time. A person who has the power to soothe any uncertainty inside of me, either with a quick word, or a long discussion, without failing to hit the nail on the head, each time.
But the reality of the situation is that the decisions that we have made have been made for very good reasons, and while, ideally, this would not be the case, the fact of the matter remains that it is, and I can not change things. Only accept them… That doesn’t mean it’s all bad though, and yes, there is a huge silver lining here: “We have the opportunity to get to know each other better, to be the support that each of us needs, as life is a never-ending learning experience, we can serve as valued council for each other, provide insights from our own, widely differing frames of reference to each other. Be supportive of the growth that each of us expect from this life and mostly, be the company we sometimes find ourselves needing.” I can’t tell her how I feel right now, because that wouldn’t be fair towards her. I can’t do any of the things I want, because right now, her needs are more important, more real, more relevant. I left my heart with her, and that is where it will stay, I know that, I accept that, I even acknowledge that much…
So why did I write this post, you ask? Read the bold lettering, understand what I am saying and realize the importance that this girl has to me, the intensity of my feelings for her, the reality that she is everything that I ever wanted and will ever want and realize this; If you are ever lucky enough to find someone like that, someone who makes you feel the way that she makes me feel, then the single best advice that I can ever give anyone, the most important truth that exists… If it’s worth having, it’s worth doing whatever it takes to get it, patience and understanding, the ability to accept that which you cannot change, but to fight for what you can… To quote the best way this has ever been stated; “Hoe meer jy haar wil he, hoe minder is die kanse dat jy haar gaan verloor…“
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